O'ing Early

So here it is cd 11 and I'm O'ing early. I wasn't even gonna start using OPK's until tomorrow, thank god I monitor my cervix or I would be missing out this month!! Had already wasted fmu so will opk in an hr or 2 with digital. I'm sure I'll be seeing a smiley. Now all I'll have to do is arrange for special "donation" tonight and friday. I'm so excited.

What if's

Nerves. Stress. Those are just some of the things I'm feeling as O time approaches. I'm excited that I'm trying again, to have the Potential of a + is overpowering. But at same time I'm nervous, What if it works only to end in chemical again. What if it doesn't work. What if it does and I'm able to carry it. The what if's are driving me crazy.!! So today I'm glad I'm working so the What if's don't have time to completely drive me over the edge. But watch out come Friday, my day off plus that much closer to O I'll be a basketcase.

Side note: after mc I re-read all my ttc books, ordered a new one off Amazon and requested several from the library. So soon I'm going to do brief book reports on them all in an effort to save someone else from having to read them all. lol As some are good and others I'm amazed they even got published.

My poor DH

I called him yesterday on 1 of my work breaks and he tells me he hit the windshield. What! He drives Dump Truck and he was dumping a load and the piston (the thing that pushes the truck bed up) broke!! and it flew forward, smashed the back of cab and he flew first up to hit the roof and then forward and hit the windshield!! Of course I was concerned but he's such a toughy that he blew it off, that he was fine. Well he was OK, but dazzed. He's typically worked as a Logger his whole life and he's been hurt pretty bad and still went on to work full day. So this, with no blood, was nothing. If anyone caught the show "Axemen", that is exactly what he's been through but worse since he's done Logging mostly without the big equipment, so he's the one running around doing all the work.

Feeling slightly better

My cold is hanging around but not soo bad. The pressure is gone, now I'm left with the wonderful snotty nose. My poor nose is all red and irratated. I'm just glad that the cold didn't hang on for weeks. I've been trying really hard to drink all my water everyday and I think it really helped to flush it out of my system. The water also seems to help me sleep better. I'm the type that tosses and turns every 5 mins, and I wake up actually feeling rested. So my tip for the day is DRINK YOUR WATER!

Change of Plans?? Maybe

Well I know that I originally said I wasn't going to AI, but I may be having a change of heart. I saw my donor today and told him about pg and mc. He was bummed. His plans have changed and he may be in town wkend of O time. Sooo I'm thinking about going ahead with AI. I just can't get past this feeling of positive attitude. I mean to be so down early this wk, to bounce back and feel like I should do it, I feel that I should go with my gut. Plus everyone says you're super fertile after mc and I keep having this feeling like What IF I am super fertile and don't I'll have missed my chance. Maybe it's just the total over powering ttc feeling we all get, but I have to go for it. If cycle stays on course and isn't messed up by mc, then O time should be around Halloween or that wkend.

Oh I had a good laugh yesterday

This lady I work with got a picture message on her phone yesterday. And she thought it was a harmless halloween picture and forwarded it off to about 20 people. Well awhile later a guy calls wanting to know who sent this dirty picture to his wife. She was confused and said she sent off a halloween 1 and he told her she better look again. Well she's all upset and I told her to let me see, maybe it wasn't that bad. I open up the phone and it looks like this "white background, (man's white shirt),down lower is the mask off Scary Movie and off to the both sides is tan" Well what she thought was the "tongue" of the mask moving around WAS NOT a tongue!! The mask was in the crotch of a guy-and you can use your imagination to figure out what it really was!! Oh boy did I laugh so hard I was crying and my stomach hurt. I felt really bad for her, but it was so funny what happened I kept giggling about it all night!!

Where has the time gone

Here I am 31 1/2 yrs old and still have not concieved. It's hard to think that as a young 23yr old I figured that my bf and I would immediately get pg and life would be good/normal. Well after that initial yr of trying things went kinda asqew. Maybe I should be happy with the DS we have, be happy with only 1 child; but I just can't let this go. From a very early age I knew I wanted children. In a crowd of people I'm always the one that ignores the grownups and plays with the kids (have always done this). Over the years we've been able to try only sporatically, for 1 reason or another. For a time I simply put it out of my head, I didn't even concider it, I couldn't. But now it's this drive in me, I'm not going to put it off any longer. If it's within our grasp I will do this. Some how some way I will make it work. I'm still hoping to make it a short journey though, I hope that it's something simple, something fixable like a prog shortage that is corrected within the first month of Dr AI. Now wouldn't that be nice.

Side note here: received my fertility tea last night and I brewed some up. The plan is to drink 1 cup in am, 1 cup in pm every day. The book says it may take 2-3 months for tea to help regulate cycle. In that time I'm hoping to see a lengthening in my cycle, if I don't then I will be at Dr by that time. So bottom's up!

Not much to say this morning

Probably b/c my head feels like it's going to explode! I hate being sick. And just what was I thinking volunteering to work Saturday. I could kick myself right now.

Adding that I did confide in my manager on what happened. (See other post) And can I just say how nice everyone is that I work with. They're all super sweet. Anyways, my manager with my permission told my 3 supervisors, and I told 2 co-workers. It wasn't as bad as I expected, I didn't break down hysterically; and I avoided telling everyone.

As if my wk hasn't been bad enough

I'm now SICK!! I tell you life just isn't fair. My head feels like a 1ton weight is on it, my ears hurt, my throat is sore and just all around yucky. And here I had the week end off but volunteered to work Sat to make up for missing Monday. So that means by the time the wkend gets here I'll be totally wiped out and won't even be able to do anything.

To tell or Not to tell that is the question

So on Monday when I started mc, I was so upset and freaked out at work I convinced them I was sick-gonna throw up and they let me leave. I felt bad for lying yet I knew I couldn't make it through work, yet couldn't tell them the truth. Everyone I work with is super nice and I know they will ALL ask me if I'm better, & what not. I'm debating on weather or not to tell them what really happened. As some of us know mc has this sort of stigma attatched to it that you're supposed to handle this privately and I normally keep everything to myself. But for some Crazy reason I Need to tell them, I want to talk about it while the same time I Don't. Does that make sense?

It's just that this mc is so much harder on me. The first time DS was younger and I was younger lol and I could sweep it under the carpet easier and be happy with what I had. Now I'm becoming obsessed with ttc and figuring this whole mc thing out.

Out of the mouth of Babes

As I've said our DS is adopted, and he knows this. Although at 5 he doesn't understand the why's of it yet. He has asked questions like why was I in Aunt Dana's belly? Why did I not stay her baby? In the past these have caught me off guard, mostly b/c he's so darn smart and is putting 2 & 2 together before I'm ready for him to. To date I tell him that he was in her belly b/c that's where God put him, he's our baby b/c God and Aunt Dana JUST KNEW he was meant to be ours. Once he did ask "So Aunt Dana is my other mom, I have 2 moms?" First off let me explain we have Never referred to her as BirthMother, per her request and comfort so I quickly stumbled out a yes and tried to explain that age appropriately.

Anywho, what I really meant to talk about was that last night while tucking him into bed he says he wants to read his "being borned book", a photo album of Aunt Dana, his other siblings, his birth pics and baby pics since then of him with us. He then looks at me and says "why was I in Aunt Dana's belly" and "when will you have a baby in your belly"? These questions yesterday about brought me to my knees. Of all the days for these questions it just had to be yesterday. It instantly brought tears to my eyes and I mumbled some comment and he says "it must take a long time to get pregnant huh?"

Yes dear unfortunately longer for some than others. :(

My plan

After my mc I just can't see myself AI'ing until I have more answers and am under Dr care so hopefully this doesn't happen again. So here goes:Will try my hardest to live a healthier life: eat healthier, be more active, drink 64oz daily of water, get plenty of sleep.

Continue taking pre-natal vits, B-6 to help lengthen my 24day cycles. I think I have low Iron so will Add Molasses to anything and everything I can. This is what my mom fed me as a toddler to help my anemia.

Adding Flax Seed (once I find some) this is said to fight cancer, increase progesterone and reduce allergies, plus it aids in digestion of food. It helps improve bowel regularity, vitality of skin, hair and nails.

I just ordered Fertilitea Fertility tea from babyhopes.com it has Vitex, red raspberry leaf, green tea, ladies mantle, nettle leaf and peppermint. All these ingredients are recommended in "Essential guide to Lesbian conception" as a daily drink to balance hormones.

I bought Pro-gest prog cream at GNC for my spotting, but was too late with mc. I haven't decided if I will use this now or wait to see if tea is working.

Now until Jan 1 I am going to research my insurance to find exactly what they will/won't cover for fertility/infertility. I'm hoping since I work at the hospital they have good coverage for everything.

Oh and I will work on paying off Credit Card debt. This will reduce stress and improve mood.That's the plan anyway. As it changes I will update.

Heartache

Today is day one after an early miscarriage. I am still in a daze and feeling quite drained. To have my greatest dream come true only to be once again snatched away from me is devastating. I was very early in my pregnancy and hadn't told anyone yet, not even my DH. Calling him yesterday in tears is nothing I want to relive. The poor guy was speechless, and I don't blame him. I guess luckily my personality and disposition doesn't allow me to wallow in my own self-pity, even though I wouldn't mind doing that exact thing right now. I am already moving on and trying to form a plan. But perhaps that isn't the best course of action right now. I Should be grieving, I should be crying. But I'm not, I can't; I'm afraid that if I start I might not stop for days.